How was I feeling on the hospital ward for seven days, not my period in ICU?
I was fairly glum. I had little or no motivation and shunned most activities.
I didn’t want to read papers, books or magazines. I had no interest in the portable DVD player. I could have access to the Internet or the TV from the Pay-per- View service, but I just wasn’t interested
It could have been the drugs that made me so glum, but deep down I knew better
I had been hospitalised without any notice. At that time I had no idea what my condition was, nor how it was caused. I knew I had vomited a lot of blood and my surgeon had mentioned something about tying things up when he first arrived, just before surgery, but at that time on the hospital ward, I didn’t know what was up. I didn’t know how long I would survive. No one was telling me anything and so I had no rudder
And I didn’t want to ask, because they were all so damming and critical of my drinking habit. They did not seem to care that I had no idea I could do this.
My life had always been based on instinct. Instinct to do things based on what I had experienced, what I thought was right and what I thought was fairly well balanced. How wrong was I?
Something had gone seriously wrong and without motivation to do anything, probably the result of the drugs, I couldn’t steer my thoughts into a positive mental attitude. There was no way of directing my energies towards a positive outcome. As a result I shunned any distractions.
There was no point reading or writing anything, watching or listening to anything. Why would I waste my energy absorbing information on topics I didn’t know whether I would live long enough to actually think about
I became self absorbed and I smiled outwardly, but inwardly I was static
I couldn’t think of death. I didn’t know I had nearly just died. But I also couldn’t think of living
So for the first time in a long time I watched no TV
For those seven days on the hospital ward I just survived on my own. It was just time passing and my memory of it now is mainly just blank